


Rough

by aarghyareddie



Category: IT (2017), IT (2017) RPF, IT - Stephen King
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Blood and Injury, Bullying, Homophobia, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sexuality Crisis, idk how to tag I'm new
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-03
Updated: 2018-05-13
Packaged: 2019-02-09 20:55:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12896640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aarghyareddie/pseuds/aarghyareddie
Summary: Eddie Kaspbrak is 17 and wants to be the perfect son, even if that means harming himself or others along the way.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please don't read if self harming is triggering to you, this gets graphic!   
> Also, this is my first pic on here so please don't be too harsh :(

Tugging the hem of his red shorts as high as they could possibly go, Eddie exhaled the breath he had been holding. Looking down at his legs to see the scars from the past few months were starting to fade away except for the couple from a few days ago. Running his fingertip down the jagged lines, he felt his heart sink. **  
**

 _Why couldn’t he be normal and like girls?_ Just the thought of when Bev had kissed him playing spin the bottle made him want to hurl. He would never admit it to himself, but the only person he wanted the bottle to land on was Richie.

 _Richie._ If it hadn’t been for him maybe Eddie wouldn’t be in this position. They had been best friends since before he could remember. It wasn’t until he was 16 when all of his friends were getting dates, Eddie felt himself becoming jealous that Richie was flirting with all of these random girls.

He remembers that night he decided he should tell his mother how he was feeling, wondering if it was normal. To say the least, Mrs. Kaspbrak was pissed. _You’re sick Eddie. Good boys like you only like girls. Don’t you wanna be good?_ _“Yes mommy.” We’ll get you help._ Those words repeated every time he pressed the razor into his skin.

Biting his lip, Eddie reached into his fanny pack for the package of gum that hid his razor and held the metal between his thumb and finger. _Stupid. Stupid. Stupid._ _You can’t like him. It’s not right._ His thoughts were so loud he couldn’t hear over them if he tried.

Making a quick slit into his right leg, Eddie exhaled, feeling release rushing over him. As nice as the high felt, it went away as quick as it came. _More_. Shaking now, Eddie aligned the edge under the last slit and pressed. A hiss escaped his lips as he went deeper and drug it along his leg. Y _ou deserve this, you know you do. You’re sick._ Tears had escaped during this, feeling pain rush to his leg.

The shaking had gotten worse as he reached for the miniature bottle of hand sanitizer that was sitting next to him and dropped it on the floor, making the boy jump. Eddie slowly placed two fingers on the outsides of the cut and bit his lip as hard as he could, knowing this was going to hurt like literal hell.

A yelp slipped out of his mouth as his fingers started moving away from the other, opening the cut he had just made. It was burning, _badly_. The feeling of his skin tearing was new, but he hoped this would fix him.

Finally releasing the pressure off of his legs, Eddie managed to grab the bottle of sanitizer and pop the lid open with his thumb. _Clean. Clean. He needed to be cleansed. The pills aren’t helping you. You know you still like him._ Lifting the bottle a couple inches above the now gaping cut, he felt himself squeeze and saw the liquid drop into his leg.

“Oh my- fuck! Fuck!” Eddie screamed, not being able to hold back his emotions. His leg was stinging, bad. Sobs escaped the boy trying to process the pain. This was undoubtedly the worst pain he had experienced, next to breaking his arm a few years back after falling off his bike. A part of him felt lucky that his mom was at work, while another part wished she would come to his rescue.

The hand sanitizer had slowed the healing process and the blood just kept coming and coming until it was running down Eddie’s leg onto the bed sheets. He needed to move and go to the bathroom to clean up the mess.

Grabbing onto the bed frame Eddie lifted himself to the floor putting his weight on his uncut leg, but felt his head start to feel more like an air balloon. Sitting back down, he closed his eyes and squeezed the bridge of his nose trying to regain his strength. Consciousness was starting to slip and Eddie wondered if this what it felt like.

-

The next morning Eddie woke up freezing. He had passed out and slept in shorts and tshirt. This normally would’ve been fine but being in November, he was fucking freezing right now.

Slowly sitting up, Eddie’s eyes were glued to the cut that now had a purple bruise around it with the dried blood. He wondered when he finally stopped bleeding last night. Looking over at the clock, 7:34 a.m. _Ugh._ School was going to suck today. He contemplated staying home, but knew that would require his mom scheduling a doctor appointment. And that wasn’t a risk worth taking.

After rummaging through his drawer, he managed to put on the loosest pair of sweatpants he owned. There was no way jeans were being worn today. The bike ride to school was uncomfortable, but bearable compared to the pain from last night. He didn’t realize that this cut was going to make his whole leg sore.

-

The first few periods went quick. He was lucky enough to be assigned work and not have time to converse with the losers until lunch came.

“H-hey Eddie.” Bill greeted him as Eddie had walked over to the usual lunch table. They must’ve still been in the lunch line. _Good. He didn’t want to see Richie._

“Hi, how was the History test?” Eddie asked, wanting to keep the conversation as normal as possible. If he even hinted at being upset he knew it wouldn’t take long before the whole club knew and he was being interrogated.

“G-good. Fairly easy i-if you s-studied.” Bill answered and took a bite from the sandwich his mom had packed him.

 _Shit._ Eddie hadn’t had any time to study since the events of last night. He couldn’t let his grades start slipping too or his mom might lose it. He wasn’t going to eat anyway so taking this time to study alone sounded great.

“I should go do that, tell the guys I said hi.” Eddie exclaimed, taking off before Bill had the chance to say anything.

A few seconds later Stan, Richie, and Bev arrived at the lunch table laughing Rich had said. It didn’t take but a second to realize Eddie wasn’t sitting in his usual spot.

“Hey Bill, have you seen Eds? Chicken and Noodles day is his favorite. I figured he already would be wanting seconds.” Rich asked, shoving a fork into the mashed potatoes.

“Y-yeah he went to s-study for the History test. I think he-he forgot.” Bill replied, giving a slight frown but quickly turned his attention to Bev.

Richie wondered to himself if he should go offer to help but quickly stopped himself. Whenever he reached out to the boy, even if it was just to hangout, he was shot down the past couple months.

-

Eddie found an empty bathroom to move into for the next half hour and opened the History book to begin studying. It felt nice sitting in the quiet until he heard the door fling open.

He didn’t hear any talking, which confused Eddie but he figured it was just some underclassman. That is until he saw a pair of black leather boots stand in front of his stall. _Fuck. Henry Bowers._

He kept his lips pressed together as hard as they could and held his breath. _Go away. Please go away._ He was wishing he hadn’t left the lunch table at this point.

“Is my favorite little queer in there?” Henry asked, leaning even closer to the stall door. Eddie could hear the smirk in his voice which only made it worse. _Silence._

Henry started banging his hand on the door at this point causing a jump from Eddie, letting the History book fall to the bathroom floor.

“Come out come out, or it’ll just be worse on you!” Henry stated, raising his voice to show how inferior he was to Eddie. He couldn’t move, so he figured begging was the only way out.

“Henry p-please stop. I’ll give you my lunch m-money, okay?” Eddie pleaded, wanting out of this situation.

A laugh that sounded like victory came from Henry’s mouth. _Oh shit. Did he just give him what he wanted? Eddie remembered what Richie said to do if these assholes were causing him shit. “Just punch them in the dick Eds. It’ll be hard finding it but they’ll go cry to their mama’s. Don’t be scared, they like that too much.”_

Henry started fumbling with his pocket knife onto the door lock until he got it open. A grin came across his face seeing Eddie sitting there staring like he had just saw a ghost.

“Should’ve just came out instead of making things so hard on yourself, hm?” Henry asked before grabbing Eddie by the shoulder blade pulling him out of the stall.

 _Don’t cry. You can do this._ Eddie kept his eyes glued on Henry as he was shoved against the painted brick wall. A few blows to the stomach were nothing he couldn’t handle. Eddie focused on the chipping paint behind Henry as the punches got more intense. _Just get through this._

Henry stepped back getting ready to kick him in the crotch as Eddie slammed his eyes shut. His boot had landed about six inches away, but was spot on the cut on his leg.

Eddie yelped at this point feeling the hot tears breaking past his eyes. _Too much._ Henry perked up at the sudden pain he caused.

“Bingo. What do we have here?” Henry asked, smiling from ear to ear as he went to yank his jeans partially down to see the infected cut. Eddie couldn’t stop the tears at this point.

“Jesus Christ! Who knew our little twink cut himself? Let me help.” Henry reached into his back pocket for the switchblade and smiled seeing Eddie crying so hard. _He must get off on this_. _No one should be this mean._

Henry didn’t hesitate to drag the blade across Eddie’s leg. _One. Two. Three. Four. Five_. Eddie stopped counting after a minute or so gaining the courage to fight back.

“Get. Off. Me.” Eddie screamed, trying to knee Henry in the balls but being pressed back into the wall. _Why couldn’t he be bigger._

“Little shit!” Henry exclaimed, grabbing the younger boys arm and squeezing until Eddie was crying again. The knife found its way to his wrist and didn’t stop until the bell rang.

Eddie slid down the bathroom wall sobbing as Henry rinsed the knife and walked out of the bathroom. _No more. No more._

Eddie scrambled to pull his pants up and rolled his sleeve back down, wincing at the sudden stinging. There was no point grabbing his books, he just wanted to go to the Barrens. _No more._


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SORRY. 
> 
> It's been 5 months since I've updated this, and to make matters worse I left it on a horrible cliffhanger. I had no idea where to go with it so I lost interest, but I finally figured out where I want this story to go. There will be two chapters after this, and I promise it won't be in five more months. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Eddie had never been more relieved to not see his mom’s car parked in the driveway than today. He figured she was out running some errands, and besides he wasn’t due home from school for a couple of hours. 

He couldn’t help but smile as he stepped into his house, simply knowing this would be the last time he would be doing so. He could barely remember a time he didn’t dread coming home, but he figured it was back when his dad was still around.

The wall aligning the stairway was still covered in photographs of the three of them. Richie joked about it looking as if it Sonia hadn’t moved on, but it wasn’t just a joke. It was the truth. She had gained over 200 pounds since he had passed away and became much more controlling of Eddie. 

Eddie wondered if his dad would think he was wrong for how he felt when he was around Richie. Maybe he would have supported him, told him he wasn’t sick and that it was okay to love your best friend as more than just a friend. Maybe he could be himself around Derry, not worrying what other people thought because his daddy loved him the way he was. His  _ gay _ son.

The cuts on his legs were starting to become a dull ache, which was more of an annoyance than anything else. Once Eddie slowly climbed the stairs he stopped to think how he was going to do this.  _ In the bathroom? His bedroom? No, that would be such a mess to clean up from his cream colored carpet. He didn’t want to be more of an inconvenience than he already was. He could just swallow the bottle of sleeping pills his mother used each night, keep it clean.  _

Eddie’s head slowly lifted nodding slowing, as if he were agreeing to his own thoughts. He took his time entering his mom’s room, grabbing the bottle of pills from the nightstand. He rolled the bottle around so he could read the label showing it was 12mg, which was a little much for anyone. It was for sure that he would be able to kill himself with these. 

The breath he didn’t know he was holding was released as he stepped back into the hallway, making his way towards his room. He wasn’t sure if he should lock the door, just in case his mom got home early and called the paramedics. There wasn’t any part of him that wanted to be saved, this wasn’t him asking for attention. This was him finding his way out of hiding, like taking a breath of fresh air. He decided on locking it, pushing the knob counterclockwise until he heard it click. 

Eddie bit his lip as he felt tears slipping down his cheeks. He wouldn’t see Richie anymore, at least not for many many years. He knew he would live a great life as a comedian wherever he went, California or New York. Eddie had always pictured him with a beautiful wife and kids, as much as he wanted to picture that life with him he knew he shouldn’t.

The pills were small enough for Eddie to dry swallow as he sat on the edge of his bed. He didn’t have the heart to leave a note, his burdens were his own to carry.  _ They don’t need to hear about your problems Eddie. Just kill yourself already. _

Sobs were raking his body as he waited for the pills in his stomach to set in. He wrapped his arms around his legs as he proceeded to lay on the bed. The thoughts running through his mind were what kept the burning tears running down his cheeks.  _ You’re always alone Eddie. You have been for months. You’re about to die alone. Alonealonealone. _

Except, he wasn’t alone. If Eddie wouldn’t have been crying as hard as he was, he would’ve heard the knock on his bedroom window. The knock that only came from Richie Tozier. He didn’t notice he wasn’t alone until Richie managed to tumble into his room, knocking into Eddies desk. 

“Eddie? What’s wrong?” 

Eddie shot up from his spot on his bed, harshly rubbing at his cheeks.  _ Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. He was going to ruin everything.  _

“G-get out, now Richie.” Eddie begged, voice cracking as he jumped up onto his feet, legs betraying him buckling before Eddie reached out and caught himself on his dresser. 

He didn’t realize how dizzy he had gotten just by getting up, or how tired he suddenly was. Eddie placed more of his weight again the dresser, blinking slowly. He knew the pills were kicking in, and he had to get Richie out of here. 

Except, Richie was across the room to wrap his arm around Eddie in under a second. Eddie surprisingly compiled as Richie led him back to the bed, when he noticed the empty pill bottles sitting on the bed.

Richie looked at Eddie, who had already fell against the pillows and back at the bottle before everything hit him. “Oh my god. Eddie?” Richie dropped to the side of the bed and lightly nudged his best friends arm. “Eddie? Did you take these?”

_ Tell him Eddie. Tell him how you took all of those pills so you wouldn’t have to pretend not to like him anymore. Tell him.  _

Eddie just simply shook his head as he frowned, eyes still sewn shut. He managed to grab Richie’s arm, pulling him down to his level. 

“C’mon Chee, cuddle me.”  _ I can pretend you love me as I die. The only way I wanna go. In your arms. _

Richie let out a sob he didn’t know he was holding as he shook his head. “I gotta get help Eddie. I-I-“ 

Eddie just shook his head and reached out for him again. “Don’t Rich, it’s okay. I’m okay. Just hold me, p-please?”  _ Don’t try to save me. I’m too far gone. _

Richie had no intention of letting his best friend die. He couldn’t, there was no way. He knew Eddie hadn’t been himself the past few weeks, but he never had any idea it was  _ this  _ bad. 

The second Richie pulled his phone from his pocket Eddie started panicking. He heard him talking to 911and wanted no part of that.  _ Why wasn’t he asleep yet? Fuck fuck fuck.  _

Eddie reached out for Richie as he was taking orders on how to help him, crying even harder than before. His voice was barely above a whisper, not even sure if Richie could hear him at this point. “Please, stop. Richie stop. I can’t, you don’t understand.  _ Please let me go _ .”

Once Richie sat the phone down he looked over at Eddie, who hadn’t stopped crying or shaking his head no. His hand reached out to lift his wet chin, trying to calm himself down before doing what the operator had told him to do. 

“You gotta puke Eds, c’mon baby sit up.”

Eddie frantically shook his head faster, falling backwards onto the bed. He grabbed Richie’s wrist as tight as he could, trying to push him off so he could run. 

“Eddie, stop! I can’t fucking lose you!” Richie raised his voice over the loud crying.

No amount of pleas were going to stop Richie from frantically holding Eddie down as he managed to wedge his fingers into his mouth, causing puke to get all over the two of them and on the bed. Richie only counted a few pills that hadn’t dissolved and he knew there were still more in there.

If Eddie was crying earlier, he was in hysterics after puking. There was nothing he hated more than to be sitting in his own vile, and to do so in front of his crush was horrifying. He refused to open his eyes not wanting to see the mess he had made, or Richie’s disappointment in him. The smell was bad enough.

“One more time, I’m so sorry Eddie.”

Eddie’s eyes shot open at Richie’s words and squirmed backwards trying to make it impossible for Richie to get to him. If he had the energy he would’ve asked him not to do it again, but all he could do was shake his head no. Of course that didn’t stop him and Richie’s fingers were the next thing he felt on his tongue before he puked again. 

Richie wrapped his arms around Eddie’s shaking body after he finished gagging and pressed gentle kisses to his forehead. He wanted to know  _ why _ . Why would he try to end his life like this? It wasn’t like the Eddie he knew to do something like this. He decided he wasn’t going to ask why right now, not until he was for sure okay and things had calmed down. 

The sound of the sirens approaching meant the ambulance was almost there and Eddie latched onto Richie, not wanting him to leave his side. Which he didn’t, not during the ride to the hospital, not when he was admitted. Not now, not ever.


End file.
